Friday, June 28, 2013

Let's Face it, I'm a Really Screwed Up Person.

Lately hasn't been so good for me. Stressed and depressed a lot, throw in some anxiety; queue the Trichotillomania.

If you're new here and are all like "What the fuck is Trichotilliomania?" 

Cliff  notes version: It's an Obsessive Compulsive disorder in which you pull out your hair.

Get a better understanding of Trich (that's what they call it for short) and learn more about my personal battle with it here

Let's just face it, I am a very screwed up person...both physically and mentally (not like mentally retarded or anything, but hopefully you know what I mean.)

Things that are screwed up about me:

-Cerebral Palsy: I have the mildest version of it, the Spastic version.  Basically if something loud happens after a period of silence, I sort of jump a little (or a lot, depending on how loud, or my stress and anxiety level at the time) Which seems to make people laugh a lot of the time...but I don't find it funny; it's embarrassing.  Besides the jumpiness and the fact that I can't walk, I am basically need for you to treat me any different than you would any other 23 year old.  Tons of people don't understand that and treat me like a baby.  They talk to me the way many people do to a small toddler and/or puppy. 

I remember about two years ago my sister and I were out eating somewhere and as we were leaving a lady that worked in a building beside the place we had eaten at saw me through her office window and came out to the parking lot  to talk to me.  She used the "puppy dog voice" and kept treating me like a little child...she even handed me a coloring book.  This made me really mad, but I would rather let her think she is making me happy  than possibly upset her by going off on her and setting her straight.  Now that I think about it though, I should have said "Crazy bitch, I don't need your dumb ass coloring book, but thanks 'cause my two year old niece will love it!"

I didn't. Instead I just smiled and said thank you....while in my head I'm sure I was envisioning punching her in the face.

Mind you, I was wearing makeup at the time (bright red lipstick and thick black eyeliner) now, I know that with shows like Toddlers in Tiaras on TV, people might be starting to believe that makeup on small children is a little more acceptable these days...but back in my childhood, it wasn't.  We felt lucky and excited if our parents let us go out with a dab of clear lip gloss on.

-Anxiety: I have anxiety about pretty much everything possible, at all times.

-Social Anxiety: I have to depend on other people to take me places, I don't get out of the house as often as a "normal" person, which leads to social anxiety...since I am used to being alone and not around other humans.

I don't even like calling people on the phone (excluding close family) even if I know the person pretty well I still get really nervous.  If I need to make an appointment or something, I try my hardest to find someone else to make the call for me.  If I have to do it myself I always end up having a panic attack.

If someone calls me, I'm completely fine.  I guess because I feel like they actually want to talk to me, otherwise they wouldn't have called.  Whereas if I am the one doing the calling I feel like I am bothering the person. 

So basically if you want to talk to me, don't sit around waiting for me to call's not gonna happen; you are gonna have to call me.  Weird, I know.

-Socially Awkward: Like I said above; I am not around other people often, so when I actually do have the chance to be it freaks me out and I don't know how to deal with it well. I am the girl alone in the crowd most of the time. If I do talk to people I usually end up saying something that I shouldn't have

 -Trichotillomania: Started out that I only pulled out my eyelashes, and slowly added in eyebrows and any other random hair I could find.  As far as hair on my head...when my hair was long I would twirl it around my fingers and pull out the loose strands, I would leave the pieces that were still fully attached alone. 

When I had a pixie hair cut...there wasn't enough hair to twirl, so for the most part I left it alone. 

Now my hair is a little bit passed my chin. So obviously long enough to twirl.  Seeing as I have been upset a lot lately, I've been twirling it and even puling at it...even without there being any loose pieces, this really upsets me, because I've had Trich since I was 10  (so, for 13 years) and I have always been really happy and proud of myself that I never pulled hair from my head.  I love my hair. I love changing the length, color and style...and well, if I don't have any hair on my head I can't change any those those things up;

Next week I am getting it cut into a pixie again, I think the reason I started actually pulling it out was because for almost a year it was never long enough to be in my face, and now it is and I am not used to that anymore, having the hair there annoys me so I have the urge to rip it out. 

I'm a Loner: I have days where I just don't feel like being around people.  Yeah there are other people that do that.  Probably not to the extreme that I do though.  To the point where I close myself in my room and don't come out or talk to anyone; sometimes this can go on for days.  Not to worry though, I have a mini fridge/freezer, coffeemaker, toaster and microwave in my room. It's not like I am starving myself or anything.  It's basically like a one room apartment up in here.

This happens when I am mad or depressed, but mainly if have been pulling a lot.  I don't want to be around people after this happens, that way they aren't all "Oh my God, what is wrong with your eyebrows/lashes?"  I totally understand that people wonder and ask what happened.  I just don't like talking about it much, so I try to hide my Trich as much as possible, ie: filling in the gaps in my eyebrows with eyeshadow and I wear a lot of eyeliner to hide the fact that I don't have any eyelashes.

There are a few more things I could add to the list of screwed up things about Lauren, but some of them are really hard to tak about (errr, type about...whatever, you get it.) plus I have probably already freaked you out enough for one post.


1 comment:

  1. Lauren, if you don't mind a thought, everything above sounds perfectly human to me. And that's who we are, screwed up in all our own individual ways journeying together in a screwed up world, doing the best we can for ourselves and for our fellow travelers.

    You have one lovely difference from most. You're also an artist.