Friday, June 28, 2013

Let's Face it, I'm a Really Screwed Up Person.

Lately hasn't been so good for me. Stressed and depressed a lot, throw in some anxiety; queue the Trichotillomania.

If you're new here and are all like "What the fuck is Trichotilliomania?" 

Cliff  notes version: It's an Obsessive Compulsive disorder in which you pull out your hair.

Get a better understanding of Trich (that's what they call it for short) and learn more about my personal battle with it here

Let's just face it, I am a very screwed up person...both physically and mentally (not like mentally retarded or anything, but hopefully you know what I mean.)


Things that are screwed up about me:

-Cerebral Palsy: I have the mildest version of it, the Spastic version.  Basically if something loud happens after a period of silence, I sort of jump a little (or a lot, depending on how loud, or my stress and anxiety level at the time) Which seems to make people laugh a lot of the time...but I don't find it funny; it's embarrassing.  Besides the jumpiness and the fact that I can't walk, I am basically normal...no need for you to treat me any different than you would any other 23 year old.  Tons of people don't understand that and treat me like a baby.  They talk to me the way many people do to a small toddler and/or puppy. 

I remember about two years ago my sister and I were out eating somewhere and as we were leaving a lady that worked in a building beside the place we had eaten at saw me through her office window and came out to the parking lot  to talk to me.  She used the "puppy dog voice" and kept treating me like a little child...she even handed me a coloring book.  This made me really mad, but I would rather let her think she is making me happy  than possibly upset her by going off on her and setting her straight.  Now that I think about it though, I should have said "Crazy bitch, I don't need your dumb ass coloring book, but thanks 'cause my two year old niece will love it!"

I didn't. Instead I just smiled and said thank you....while in my head I'm sure I was envisioning punching her in the face.

Mind you, I was wearing makeup at the time (bright red lipstick and thick black eyeliner) now, I know that with shows like Toddlers in Tiaras on TV, people might be starting to believe that makeup on small children is a little more acceptable these days...but back in my childhood, it wasn't.  We felt lucky and excited if our parents let us go out with a dab of clear lip gloss on.


-Anxiety: I have anxiety about pretty much everything possible, at all times.

-Social Anxiety: I have to depend on other people to take me places, I don't get out of the house as often as a "normal" person, which leads to social anxiety...since I am used to being alone and not around other humans.

I don't even like calling people on the phone (excluding close family) even if I know the person pretty well I still get really nervous.  If I need to make an appointment or something, I try my hardest to find someone else to make the call for me.  If I have to do it myself I always end up having a panic attack.

If someone calls me, I'm completely fine.  I guess because I feel like they actually want to talk to me, otherwise they wouldn't have called.  Whereas if I am the one doing the calling I feel like I am bothering the person. 

So basically if you want to talk to me, don't sit around waiting for me to call you....it's not gonna happen; you are gonna have to call me.  Weird, I know.



-Socially Awkward: Like I said above; I am not around other people often, so when I actually do have the chance to be it freaks me out and I don't know how to deal with it well. I am the girl alone in the crowd most of the time. If I do talk to people I usually end up saying something that I shouldn't have

 -Trichotillomania: Started out that I only pulled out my eyelashes, and slowly added in eyebrows and any other random hair I could find.  As far as hair on my head...when my hair was long I would twirl it around my fingers and pull out the loose strands, I would leave the pieces that were still fully attached alone. 

When I had a pixie hair cut...there wasn't enough hair to twirl, so for the most part I left it alone. 

Now my hair is a little bit passed my chin. So obviously long enough to twirl.  Seeing as I have been upset a lot lately, I've been twirling it and even puling at it...even without there being any loose pieces, this really upsets me, because I've had Trich since I was 10  (so, for 13 years) and I have always been really happy and proud of myself that I never pulled hair from my head.  I love my hair. I love changing the length, color and style...and well, if I don't have any hair on my head I can't change any those those things up;

Next week I am getting it cut into a pixie again, I think the reason I started actually pulling it out was because for almost a year it was never long enough to be in my face, and now it is and I am not used to that anymore, having the hair there annoys me so I have the urge to rip it out. 

I'm a Loner: I have days where I just don't feel like being around people.  Yeah there are other people that do that.  Probably not to the extreme that I do though.  To the point where I close myself in my room and don't come out or talk to anyone; sometimes this can go on for days.  Not to worry though, I have a mini fridge/freezer, coffeemaker, toaster and microwave in my room. It's not like I am starving myself or anything.  It's basically like a one room apartment up in here.

This happens when I am mad or depressed, but mainly if have been pulling a lot.  I don't want to be around people after this happens, that way they aren't all "Oh my God, what is wrong with your eyebrows/lashes?"  I totally understand that people wonder and ask what happened.  I just don't like talking about it much, so I try to hide my Trich as much as possible, ie: filling in the gaps in my eyebrows with eyeshadow and I wear a lot of eyeliner to hide the fact that I don't have any eyelashes.

There are a few more things I could add to the list of screwed up things about Lauren, but some of them are really hard to tak about (errr, type about...whatever, you get it.) plus I have probably already freaked you out enough for one post.

-laurenmikael

Saturday, June 15, 2013

laurenmikael...Becoming YouTube?

I have decided I really do want to start making YouTube videos, I know in the past I have posted updates on here about how I was thinking about doing it, but I never actually did. 

Last night I started watching this YouTube series called Becoming YouTube, created by Benjamin Cook. He and all of the other people that are involved in this series with him have really inspired me to become a YouTuber. 

Everyone I have talked to about this lately has said something along these lines "Yeah, but what would you do or talk about in your videos?"

The answer to that...

I don't know, I don't know what I am going to say or do in the videos...but I would rather give it a try and find out; instead of saying what if about it.   I guess we will find out along the way.

Before I started this blog I was really unsure if people would even read it or if I was just wasting my time.  No, I am not that popular in the blogging world...but I do get a decent amount of hits (or...visits) each day, even when I sometimes haven't written a post in weeks. 

I used to be nervous that one of the artist that I write about would see a post of mine about them or their music and would be worried that I offended them or hurt their feelings in some way, but I have learned most of them are happy that I am talking about them and the music they create.  So now that I know that they like seeing what I have to say about them, instead of being afraid of what they say/think about what I write here,  it makes me really happy to know that some of them read my posts.

So, yes I am nervous about "actually" starting my YouTube channel, but as I was saying I was nervous about starting this blog at first, but it turned out really well for me.  laurenmikael.com gets loads of views everyday from all over the world.  That's crazy to think about...that someone on the other side of the world reads what I have to say.  

Who knows I might really like making YouTube videos...It's no secret that I'm addicted to watching them. I'm always behind the camera, but I think it's time that I give being infront of it a try. 

Here is the Trailer to Benjamin Cook's series Becoming YouTube:

 
 
 
-laurenmikael